I Could Hide Out Under There...

This weekend I sallied forth and did my part to advance the struggling economy of a great nation. I boldly went where I had not gone in a long time: into the land of the discretionary purchase. I put America first.

Simply told I have been quite frugal this past year. After buying a business and leveraging myself into next century, I have found any non-caloric purchase to be excessive. I buy myself food, the dog food, and the car gasoline, but beyond that, nothing else holds much sway with my checkbook. (In the interest of full disclosure I would be remiss if I did not point out that beer is full of calories.)

In our current economic woes it has become clear to me that American consumers are in such a psychological funk that they have deluded themselves into believing that they need not buy anything.... anything at all. This remarkable turn of events has caused what financial big-wigs like to call "a serious recession." Sounds--well--serious. It is toward ending this malaise that I sprang into action on Saturday. I walked into Costco with a list of caloric necessities and a rebellious idea in mind: I will--I committed in the parking lot-- buy something I do not need. I looked over my shoulder to ascertain whether anyone had caught my capitulatory thought. None of the hockey moms hoarding copious amounts of peanut butter seemed to have caught my devious musings.

Inside I had the world at my fingertips. Flat-screen TVs, the latest iPod, books, jeans, water filtering devices. Where to go, what to do? In the end, I bought a 3-pack of underwear. Lest you diminish my service to country, understand that underwear is the most discretionary of all purchases. It serves such little function that a minority cohort of men have forsworn its usage altogether. Underwear is a nasty little garment. It bunches, gathers and pinches in places that leave the bearer to writhe and squirm in agony or risk an unseemly public gesticulation sure to embarrass. Men loath its laundering much less its purchase.

And so it was on this bright November day that I began a new paradigm in American consumer thought. I hate to brag, but I think I have taken one for the team. I encourage all Americans to make a similar sacrifice. If we all do our part, our greatness knows no bounds.

And if nothing else, I did make you say "under where?"